When Silence Isn’t Golden

When Silence Isn’t Golden

You’re reading a God–Sized Dreams post. Each Tuesday, a team of God-sized dreamers writes on the progress of their dreams, spurred by the wisdom in Holley Gerth’s new book, You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream: Opening the Door to All God Has for You. For all my posts in this series, please click here. This week, Holley asked three questions about the tougher aspects of dreaming. My answers are below.

(Trigger warning: childhood sexual abuse)

(Photo Credit)

 

What part of your dream feels the riskiest?

My dream is risky for 2 main reasons.

First, it is risky to tell people what my dream is about. Who really wants to hear about, or read about, childhood sexual abuse?

No one.

I still have trouble typing these words, especially that little, but necessary, trigger warning at the opening of these posts.

But, maybe you want to read about healing. Maybe it’s worth it to ingest the difficult to get to the light that’s pouring into the ugly.

Second, my dream is risky because I have family members who don’t want me talking about it. They absolutely would not want me writing about it.

Also, I have loving and gracious family members who support me—who I desperately fear I will hurt in working through this process. Even though I know healing comes from shining light on the darkness, bringing the wounds to the surface…it’s hard to know it will be difficult for others too.

 

Have you ever had people misunderstand or disagree with your dream?

I have been very blessed that those people who have communicated directly with me about my dream have done so in respectful and supportive ways.

 

What do you do when your dream is scary or when others don’t support you?

It slices deep when others are silent. Aside from the emotional pain, work of healing, and the risks, it’s the silence that hurts the most.

When those dear to me know about my dream and don’t ever mention it or ask about it…it hurts.

When they ask the not-really-meant “How are you?” expecting the pat “fine,” and nothing more…it hurts.

When those whom I expect to support me don’t show up…it hurts.

And yet, I understand.

If you don’t know if it’s okay to ask about a painful or difficult situation, I understand. But ask. It shows that you care and are invested.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable and you’re afraid, I understand.

If you’re swamped with your own struggles, I understand.

If I placed unrealistic expectations on you, I’m sorry. And I understand.

So what do I do with all this?

I try to hold fast to my belief that God’s ways are not my ways, that who I think I need may not be who He thinks I need.

I try to remember that God is faithful and that He wants my healing. He will provide the person on whom He wants me to lean.

I reach out to those whom He has given me to lean on in the past, those who have promised to support me on this journey.

And sometimes I react badly. I cry. I shut down for awhile. I seethe with anger.

Eventually, I come around and remember that it’s not worth it to stay in that place.

And mostly, I just keep going.

The times when I wanted people to support me and they haven’t, God truly has provided beyond my expectations. And He’s taught me this: the core of my healing comes from embracing His love for me. That’s where my identity is–not in the people by whom I feel disappointed and rejected… If I lived like I believe He loves me…can you imagine?

For any thoughts, prayers, comments, phone calls…for any way that you have reached out to me on this journey, thank you. Those two small words cannot hold the whole of the appreciation and love I have for you–every one of you.

If you have continued to read my words on this hard topic of abuse, you are amazing. You are brave and loving. Just…thank you.

 

To read more about God-sized dreamers and their dreams,

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Comments

  1. so proud of you. what bold words.. what steps you are taking to healing. Thank you. Thank you for risking . I love your God sized dream of healing. I love it… thank you friend.. for .. being.. a brave.. warrior!
    Jenn Hand recently posted..don’t let the embers of your dream dieMy Profile

  2. You are taking a risk – but if in the end you have more healing…and God will be glorified through your faithfulness…then it is worth it! Stay strong and help bring healing to something that continues to stay silent in so many homes!!
    Kristin Smith recently posted..Is It Worth The Risk?My Profile

    • Thanks so much for this reminder and encouragement, Kristin. Because there is still so much silence surrounding these issues, I think I am hesitant to jump into it and stay in. You are awesome in supporting me!
      Mandy recently posted..When Silence Isn’t GoldenMy Profile

  3. My friend, you are inspiring, you are brave, you are beautiful. And you’ve got a community of women who are supporting you and cheering for you…and thanking God for you, too. I’m so proud of you for shining in those dark places. Thank you for the blessing you are to me. :)
    Mel recently posted..My God-Sized Dream: RejectionMy Profile

    • Mel, your words continue to be a source of support and encouragement to me. You may not realize this, but words like yours help point me back to the truth of what Jesus has to say about me…instead of being overwhelmed by the doubt and lies of the enemy. You are a precious gift, and I am so grateful for you!
      Mandy recently posted..When Silence Isn’t GoldenMy Profile

  4. Mandy, your open honesty is such an inspiration to my heart. Your story will offer great healing for others. I pray that you hear all your God-sized dream sisters cheering you on.

    • Amy, there are times when I question whether or not I should be writing about this, and if I am complaining or making it all about me…So, I truly appreciate your comments and reminder that bringing this issue to the light can help heal others. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me that you all are cheering:) I never tire of that being stated. Blessings!
      Mandy recently posted..When Silence Isn’t GoldenMy Profile

  5. Mandy,
    Thank you so much for having this God-sized dream and to continue on with it no matter what. I pray that you hear and believe all the encouraging words these sweet sister dreamers have for you. Thank you for the blessings you have already shared with me and hear me gently saying you go sister dreamer! God be ever present in your week!
    Maggie recently posted..Is it worth the risk?My Profile

  6. Beautiful words precious friend. Thank you for being a bright spot. I read something in another post today that said people need our words. I needed your in the presious card you sent. Needed them that very day. And today your sweet words of encouragement when I felt like my words have just been coming out all jumbled whispered His encouragement to me to keep going. Your voice matters.
    Kimberly recently posted..God Sized Dream – Tuesday Child Is Full of GraceMy Profile

    • Honestly, I am so astounded by the beautiful words that you and this community leave here! Just…thank you. I am realizing how often I believe the lies of the enemy…that my writing about this stuff is both selfish and depressing. Know that God uses words like yours to pour truth into my life and reorient me. I will do that for you too, friend. Keep going. Your words matter. YOU matter.
      Mandy recently posted..When Silence Isn’t GoldenMy Profile

  7. Ya know what Mandy? I would be the one who would want to read about that because — I was sexually abused as a child and did not get healing until this past year. I am now 38 so for that many years I dealt with it.

    If God is asking you to write this, then guess what? There are people like me who need the help and to know that others have walked away and that they are okay!

    Write the book :) I will be the first in line to buy one!
    Jennifer Sikora recently posted..I Wrestled With God — and I Came Out With a LimpMy Profile

    • Jennifer, I am so sorry that happened to you. Oh, praise God that you’ve experienced healing! And you are so kind–thank you for these words of encouragement. They are very powerful and, quite honestly, quiet my doubts and fears. God bless you!
      Mandy recently posted..When Silence Isn’t GoldenMy Profile

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