When Less Really Is More

When Less Really Is More

You’re reading a God–Sized Dreams post. Each Tuesday, a team of God-sized dreamers write on the progress of their dreams, spurred by the wisdom in Holley Gerth’s new book, You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream: Opening the Door to All God Has for You. This week’s question is: What do you really want more of in your life? Will you dare to say it out loud? Hint: it probably means having less of something too {ex: more joy, less stress}. 

I need more room.

When I began pursuing this God-sized dream of freedom from the effects of childhood sexual abuse, I anticipated the need to identify and eliminate obstacles.

I even had a vague idea that it would, by nature, be difficult.

Because I had previously done in-depth work with counselors, I thought this time around would be cleaning up the residual issues.

I expected to uncover relational flaws and faulty coping mechanisms.

Like ambivalence. I can be indecisive…I didn’t know what to do as a child, and indecision became a first reaction to many situations.

I don’t want to be ambivalent, but that’s not so bad…on the dysfunction scale, I mean. Lots of people have trouble making decisions, right?

Or boundary setting. My lack thereof. My boundaries weren’t respected, and I didn’t learn to set healthy boundaries. Makes sense.

Again, an issue many people have. Not easy to remedy, but not horrific.

There were more realizations, ones you’d expect:

Trust issues.

Seeing the world as scary and overwhelming.

Wanting to be rescued from my problems.

But the first real punch-to-the-gut-moment came with the realization of my filter.

I’ve been processing life by assessing how other people’s words and actions reveal their opinion of my worth.

As though their decisions are reflections of my value and importance to them.

I’ve been taking it all so personally–those times I wasn’t invited, or my birthday was forgotten, or harsh words were spoken.

I stockpiled it as evidence that who I am is not enough.

It became my default.

Ouch.

Ouch–because, if you asked me, I would tell you that’s not what I believe at all. And that’s not how I want to live.

I believe that it’s all about Him, and that’s how I want to live.

So, He began to show me Who He is and how He loves…that He wants me to know and receive His love.

That’s what I want room for. So it can change me from the inside out.

That was the beginning of the hard.

But there’s more.

I reveled in the receiving for awhile. Bliss. Scales fell from my eyes and my heart melted.

Then I hit a wall.

Slammed into the ugly.

Despite my asking, seeking, knocking, beggingI was stuck, unable to receive any more.

And it took my asking what, specifically, was blocking me from receiving His love.

He answered. In pieces at a time.

I was clear that current relationships were triggering, in some ways mirroring, childhood dynamics and wounds.

And it was hurting. Confusion and anger churned inside me.

Emotions spewed out of me like five year-old throwing a tantrum.

I may as well have stomped my feet, pounded my fists, and screamed, “No, me! Pick me! Prove you love me!

He showed me this…and how my hurt, my being offended, caused me to blame, judge, and even condemn.

Pure ugliness.

That’s what was keeping me from receiving His love.

The enemy hissed shame, lies, and condemnation.

The grace of God kept me there only long enough to be convicted.

And He gave me the opportunity to see it, confess it, repent of it, and release it.

In His Presence.

To make room.

Room for His light to shine on my brokenness and sin.

To enable me to take ownership of a broken life and let Him heal it.

To transform me more into His image.

That I may see this life as a gift, a chance to let His light shine through me to others.

To live in the peace, joy, and abundance that is His glorious life in me.

 He must increase, but I must decrease. –John 3:30

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What do you truly desire more of in your life? What do you need less of in order to obtain your hearts desire?

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Comments

  1. Love you Mandy!!! You have such a beautiful gift!

  2. Mandy, thank you for sharing your heart so raw, redemptive, vulnerable for His glory! You gave me much to pray on…as I can’t be sure I don’t struggle with some of these issues myself!

    but I’m with you completely….all I want is more of Him and less of me. no matter how much the shedding hurts.

    thank you… {HUGS}
    Nikki recently posted..Jesus, Savior, Pilot MeMy Profile

    • Quite the Lenten journey, eh? Redemptive, thanks for using that word. I guess that’s my aim, to show how He redeems, in order to give others hope. You encourage me and then some:) Love you tons, Nikki!
      Mandy recently posted..When Less Really Is MoreMy Profile

  3. Mandy,

    I had to take the boundaries class… twice…
    I hear you.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Monica
    http://happyandblessedhome.com
    Monica Pruett recently posted..Under God’s ProtectionMy Profile

  4. Oh friend. Your heart shared touched mine today. I too want more of Him in all of it. But how much of the pain associated with that do I resist? Thank you so much for writing exactly what I needed to hear today. So love that we are dreaming together. Love you much.
    Wendy recently posted..I Want MoreMy Profile

    • Wendy! You bless me girl. I’m so glad and humbled that these words spoke to you. It’s counter-intuitive, leaning into the pain and letting it do its work. Prayers and hugs to you. Thanks for your kind words and ongoing support! Love you!
      Mandy recently posted..When Less Really Is MoreMy Profile

  5. Sweet friend, I want to hug you. I can’t right now, but I hope I can someday! :) You have been such a blessing to walk this journey with, and these words…your heart…are an equal blessing. Thank you for being so open…I think you are inspiring and am blessed to know you! Praying as you continue this journey…know that the way you shine is making a difference!
    Mel recently posted..My God-Sized Dream: Deep Breath…My Profile

    • Mel, I will take that hug. (Someday in person.) Your comment really touched me. I often hesitate to hit publish, wondering if this is all too much, too intense, or too about me. My hope is that it points to the redeeming work of Christ and gives hope to those who are struggling. Equally blessed by you, girl!
      Mandy recently posted..When Less Really Is MoreMy Profile

  6. As always, I just love your sweet, brave heart Mandy. We are sisters in broken-ness. And in healing. Isn’t it amazing all that God can heal? Keep writing, you are so gifted.
    Christine Wright recently posted..That Voice She HearsMy Profile

  7. Mandy,
    hard, raw, but so very beautiful. I love that you can face your torn, ragged and broken (my One Word) parts with honest eyes and God’s love. There is healing in these words.
    Thank you for sharing this. I know God’s pouring into your life and what you share will bless so many. Don’t be afraid to stay open.
    Peace and good,
    Chelle
    Chelle recently posted..Ready for more, if you say so, Lord (or, Going bigger for God…which I wrote last month)My Profile

  8. Room for His light to shine on my brokenness and sin….this line struck me. I think we all need some more room for this. For Him. Blessings to you as you continue to open your heart to Him and fellow God-sized dreamers!
    Jenn recently posted..Patience PleaseMy Profile

  9. Such beautiful heart touching word you have shared today. My ladies bible study’s motto the last couple of years has been “Be Real”. Meaning that we have to be real about all areas of our lives with ourselves, each others and with God in order for us to move on grow and serve others.Thank you for being so honest.
    Amy P Boyd recently posted..I Want It All {God-Sized Dream}My Profile

  10. There’s a boundaries class? Sign me up!

    I like your point about not letting our worth be determined by anyone but God. I’m learning this one over and over again, too.

    Bless you!
    Colleen Duggan recently posted..A Tale Of Random Grocery Store KindnessMy Profile

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